I AM DEPRESSED TODAY. AS I AGE I SEEMED TO PISS OFF EVERY PERSON I AM CLOSE TO.  I WILL NOT EXPOUND ON THE DETAILS AS I DON'T EVEN TRUST THIS FORMAT TO BE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT TO EXPRESS MY MIND.

IT HAS BECOME SO FRUSTRATING ... MY VERBAL ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS IS DEMINISHING... THE TOWER OF BABEL.... I GET TRAPPPED....A ROLLER COASTER, A HAMPSTER WHEEL....I WANT TO BE CLOSE TO SOME PEOPLE BUT WHEN I TRY I GET TRAPPED IN THE MAZE AND THE FEELING OF BEING TRAPPED .....AS IF MY MOUTH IS TAPPED SHUT AND MY HANDS ARE TIED IS OVERWHELMING..... NO ONE HEARS.... NO ONE LISTENS.... NO ONE IS SAFE... I LIVE IN MY ANIMAL MIND

I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY TO MYSELF FOR OVER A WEEK NOW..... BUT NOT REALLY... THE TRUTH IS I WANT TO BE BY MYSELF BUT I KEEP LETTING OTHERS COME IN. THEN THEY START SUCKING ME DRY.

I THINK OF DEATH A LOT. .....IT SHOULD BE A QUITE PLACE TO BE....RIGHT?...BUT MY FEAR IS THAT HEAVEN OR HELL WILL BE LIKE MOM'S VERSON.. NEITHER WILL BET BE QUITE.... ONE PLACE.... THE CRYING FOR RELEAF OR THE OTHER PLACE THE CONSTANT SINGING OF PRAISE.... NEITHER SEEMS PEACEFUL TO ME. 

THE "FARM" IS SO PEACEFUL WHEN I AM BY MYSELF. ... BUT MY BRAIN TELLS ME I SHOULD SHARE IT WITH OTHERS,,,, IF I DON'T I AM SELFISH!!!!!! IF I SHARE MY SPACE,,,,,THEN I LOOSE MY PEACE.... I CAN'T BE MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SHARE MY JOY...WHEN I  SHARE MYSELF......I LOOSE MY PEACE.... IS THIS HELL OR WHAT?

BEING IN THE NOW.....IT IS SOOOO IMPOSSIBLE...UNLESS I AM BY MYSELF......MY BRAIN IS TRICKY BUT IT DOES OBEY ME..... OTHERS DRAG ME OUT OF MY NOW.....ME KICKING AND SCREMING ALL THE WAY.....SOME OF THOSE I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY SAY ,,,,,,,I SHOULD MAKE MYSELF ZERO.........??? REALLY???? IF I DO THAT ....... I AM NOTHING... WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE????